Trying to Let Go

"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you."

I never really understood the pain of letting go of someone you love until recently. My relationship with "Weston" (that is going to be my code name for him) was a tumultuous one with many highs and lows but ended on a down note. It ended with my leaving him because neither one of us could handle our consistent fighting. The funny thing about it is our fighting was over the big picture of wanting 2 different things in our relationship.

Weston wanted freedom, living his life with no rules, no one to answer to even if it meant lying to the one who cared about him the most. Where as, I loved him with all my heart and looked for a future for the both of us. I longed for the day that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and the marriage and children with him. I would get glimpses of him as I wanted him but ultimately he couldn't handle the long term relationship I desired.

Since the day I left in September... September 13th to be exact.... we have been in and out of our lives but not in a good way. We fought over things that was no longer our business like who we were with or going. I realized that I needed time away from him, from us to get my head back on straight. No matter what I have tried to do, Weston has stayed on my mind and in my thoughts everyday.

A week ago I was on Facebook and saw him comment to a mutual friend about the trial and error method of finding love hurts like hell. Well that was it... all I could think about was him. It gets "better".... he then contacts me that evening and we talked for a bit. I went to see him the other day and it was like nothing ever happened between us. I can't deny that it felt good to be with him again but I know that we are still on different pages of our lives. It just hurts to love someone so much and having to walk away again.

Back on Track

"When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. "- Deepak Chopra

So as you all have seen or not seen, I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I have been far from confident. They say that when it rains, it pours...well that has been my life lately! The biggest struggle of them all is my relationship with my boyfriend who will now be referred to as Pink Pants (my daughter refers to his albums by a guy in pink pants on the cover of one!). As you have read in my previous blogs, my relationship with Pink Pants has been one of great struggle and many tears.

I read the quote above and realized that I do concentrate on many of the flaws of our relationship instead of the great things between us. I have this "plan" of the way I want my relationship to be and when it doesn't conform to that, lets just say its not pretty and Pink Pants will tell you that.

Insecurity.... This is the biggest struggle within myself and it has been reflected in my relationship to a point where it has pushed Pink Pants away at times. To others, I can carry a certain confidence and some even say arrogance (my nickname is Princess) but when I am with him all of that goes out the door. I want someone who wants to give me attention. That asks how my day is going or just calls to say hi and hear my voice. See he can go days without talking to me and I struggle with that immensely. I tend to wonder how much I can matter to him if he doesn't care to see how I am doing. Now, I know that alot of that is my anxiety and insecurity that I need to work on within myself.

Jealousy... The big "Green Eyed Monster"! Everyone has had a struggle with jealousy at some point in their life but this one is a consistent struggle in my life. In the past I have been cheated on and now I trust very few people. So I did go into my relationship with Pink Pants, having very little trust and his close relationship with some females made me feeling like the past was going to be repeated. In the beginning, he gave me no real reason to feel this way until I started catching him in lies which he told to avoid my jealous "rages". Jealousy and Insecurity go hand in hand and something that I am working on everyday.

So now that I have aired my "bad" side, I am still on the fence on whether I should continue this relationship or let Pink Pants go. I know that we care about each more than words can tell but I also know that my frustration has hit an all time high. I am not asking to be treated like a Princess but communication is essential to a relationship. So I am going to try and concentrate on the good points in our relationship and give it sometime to develop....

Parting Ways with Facebook

You know that your addicted to Facebook when:
1. You have a 10 page research paper that is worth half your grade due tomorrow and you find yourself getting distracted by facebook every 5 mins.
2. When talking with your friends someone says a random comment and you all exclaim "facebook quote!"
3. After meeting someone new, you ask if they have a facebook.
4. You check your facebook as soon as you wake up, and right before you go to bed, including the 10 times you check it during the day.
5. You feel like you are missing out on...

As I have mentioned in a previous posting, I have become addicted to facebook...

This addiction to consistently know what is going on in the lives of others and them to know my life has gotten out of control. After a long discussion with BF last night, I realized that the only way to release this addiction is to deactivate my profile. When Facebook affects your relationship, it is time to re-evaluate your priorities!

See this has been an ongoing struggle in my relationship with BF and has been the cause of more than one fight. He feels that I spend any free time on facebook that should be spent with him and he is right. When I am with him and he is doing/watching something that doesn't interest me, I automatically turn to my phone and go on Facebook. Now it has been causing an even larger fight because I feel that if we are in a relationship then his profile should reflect it. Now, I know that the hacker changed his status to widowed but I think that it should be changed back to in a relationship with me. Plus, when we broke up he changed his info to looking for women and dating and this upsets me that it hasn't been changed either. He tells me that it is not a big deal cause he is rarely on facebook and that we know we are together. Well, let me tell you, it does not make me happy at all! If you are with me then you should be proud and want others to know and if facebook doesn't mean anything to you then what is the big deal to change it back!

Ok so now that I am done ranting...I have decided that for the best of my relationship I deactivate my Facebook. I did need to set up a profile so that I can continue to run my fan page for my business but that will be strictly for business only. I know that I will go through my withdraws but hopefully my relationship will improve instead of disintegrate!

Rather be Wrong

I would rather be wrong if it means I can love someone to much instead of being right not loving them enough!

Well my Easter was pretty nice...
Danyella and I went to church and she had her first egg hunt of the day. It was cute because she really did not know what she was doing but once she did it was smooth sailing. Then we went to my parents for lunch and another egg hunt. I love that at 28, I still get a Easter basket from my mom! Next we came home and had a nice Easter dinner with my landlord and her family. Danyella had her last egg hunt and was loving playing with the kids. I love to see her run around and smiling!

My night was supposed to end with us going to Kinda Boyfriend's house. Well we went but didn't stay because he didn't feel good (which was later told to me). I was more than disappointed about only getting to drop off the Easter presents and leave. I guess my disappointment was not well hidden cause when I talked to him later he called me out on my attitude. He says that every Sunday I start a fight with him and I realized that every Sunday I expect something from him and I end up disappointed. So now I am at a point that I need to make the decision of do I
1. Continue to live with the every Sunday disappointment
2. Find a way to get past the Sunday disappointment and not expect anything from him
3. Start over with someone new and hope that I don't have the disappointment again

After I dropped the gifts off, I came home and got quite drunk. I talked to him a bit but the conversation went no where because he doesn't understand (or that is how it seems to me) my disappointment and how I want to spend any moment I can with him. So I texted him If its wrong to want to spend every moment I can with the man I love then I never want to be right!

I know I love him with all my heart but only time will tell what will happen with us. I would spend the rest of my life with him but I don't think he will ever get to that point....

One Baby Step Forward

"Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing"

I love that quote because it reminds me that even though I love my boyfriend so much, I can't live my life for him but for ME! Today has been a better day in general. I did practice my affrimations but I feel I need to expand on them a bit more by reciting them in the mirror a few times a day. I was reciting my affirmations in the morning before I left for work but now I will recite them in the evening also. This is my goal for the rest of the week and get into a routine with this.

Update on my setback...
My boyfriend ended up getting very sick with a high fever so as the good girlfriend I brought him chicken noodle soup, gatorade, crackers, sherbert, medicine and a magazine to feel better. Along with the medicine I brought him a bouquet of 9 red roses- 1 for each month we have been together and an extra rose for the future we will share, 2 pink roses- one for each of us and 2 stargazer lilies. See when he and I started dating, he brought me 2 dozen roses-1 dozen pink and 1 dozen red roses, so as a symbol of my love for him I put the roses together with my other fav flower, lilies. I think he liked them but he is quite out of it with being sick.

So one baby step at a time I will find myself again....

Thinking Positive

Positive thinking is the beginning steps of becoming a confident woman! I have learned that confidence and positive thinking go hand in hand so now I need to take the steps to changing my thought pattern. Over the years, I have attempted to change my negativity but honestly it only lasts for a few days or a week. Usually something will occur that will upset me and I end up back to my usual miserable, negative state of mind.

I feel I need to give you some background information on my life... Negativity has been a breeding ground in my mind for 10+ years so instead of looking at anything half full, everything is half empty and I find everything that can go wrong will go wrong from there. Even last night I let my negativity get the best of me and I ended up letting it take over my thoughts to the point that I may have lost a very special person in my life. Relationships have never been my strong point because of my insecurity and has been a on-going fight between my boyfriend and I for months. Well I let my negative thoughts start and escalate a fight to a point of teetering on the edge of a cliff. If the wind blows one way we will be safe, if it blows the other way I will lose my love forever. So here I am trying to change things before the wind blows the wrong way.

So my first step to work towards positive thinking is reciting affirmations to myself. For the past year I have been writing affirmations, usually when I was upset and wanted something in my life to change then I would have a happy spell and stop writing them. The most common place I would write my affirmations were at work because I had the down time and always had scraps of paper to do it. People were always asking what I was writing and I told them my happy thoughts. When they asked what were my happy thoughts, I was to embarrassed to tell them. So here on my blog I will give an idea of what 2 affirmations I write everyday: 1. I am a beautiful, confident, successful woman who surrounds myself with positive, supportive people. 2. I find love in a beautiful, loving marriage with a special man who loves me as I am. (there is more to this affirmation but I am going to eliminate some of the details)

Now my goal is to expand on these affirmations by reciting them when I begin to have a negative thoughts. I have also been told that reciting them out loud in front of mirror is a why to become more comfortable and confident with yourself so I will be spending 5 mins/day 2 times a day doing this.

Here is some great affirmations for you to try:
I am free to be myself
I have the energy and passion to make my thoughts reality
I let my own blessed life and my own inspired work be an instrument of peace and love.
I have the strength and determination to prevail any obstacle that comes my way.

I hope that you will share some affirmations that have worked for you!