Just One of Those Days

"When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.”

Ok so today is one of those days for me! I can't go into much detail on what is occurring but lets just say everything that can go wrong has gone wrong today! It is the most frustrating feeling in the world but I am trying to focus on tomorrow will be better.

To give you some tidbits on what has occurred...
My car is not the nicest in the world but it is enough to get me back in forth to work and other places I need to go. Well every few months or so, something goes wrong with it! It is the most frustrating thing in the world not knowing when and what will brake on it next. So today, as I was on the phone getting some other frustrating news the door decides it won't close! I had to drive home with a broken door until I can figure out how I am going to get it fixed. Everyone around me keeps telling me to get a new(er) car, well if money grew on trees then I would but as a single mom it is not in my budget at the moment.

Second on my list... On Wednesdays the UPS man brings our paychecks. Well we waited and waited and the UPS man didn't bring our paychecks(guaranteed tomorrow)! Well as a person who lives paycheck to paycheck, I was counting on it to come and I would be able to get gas and diapers. So I have just enough money for gas and as long as the Lil One has no problems I have just enough to last me until tomorrow. I hate living check to check but that is my life!

There are a few other things going on but I can't talk about them at the moment but maybe in a future blog...

I mean everyday can't be a bad day so when you are having one of those days just think about how much better tomorrow will be and smile :)

Happily Busy

“The busy man is troubled with but one devil; the idle man by a thousand”

That quote just amazes me because it is so true to my life. The more time I have to just sit idle the more things sit in my head and bother me to the point of no return... This means it gives me time to pick a fight with my BF! (never a good thing for your relationship!) So this past week I have been on the go and when I have time to sit I made sure that it was with the my honey!

My business has really taken on a life of its own with keeping my life busy, busy, busy which I love. I would love for the sales to match the time put into it but I am slowly working on that. I can't even describe the joy and even awe that I feel everytime I finish every single piece that I create. I look at it with amazement that I really created this piece and one day someone will buy it and show others what I created!

I am always the first person to say how shy I am to talk about my own creations but I am slowly coming out of my shell and as my everyday work on my confidence grows so does my ability to believe in myself and my works of art. To me this is what my creations are: not just clothing or accessories but works of art that come from my own 2 hands!

So my advice to all of you is to do what you love and this will help build your confidence in every way! You will love yourself just as much as your hobby or job if you happy everyday!

Productivity Creates Success

"Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.”

I will be the first to admit that I have been going through Facebook withdraw BUT I can't believe how much I have gotten accomplished in just 2 days! In these 2 days I have created a new Marissa handbag (similar to this one ), a necklace for my new jewelry line, started a new Marissa handbag and worked on my BF blanket.

Being productive and seeing how much I can accomplish without surfing the internet has been great for my confidence. There has been my moments where I long to just go sit on Facebook and check up on things but I think that this yearning will slowly fade. My projects are long ones so to see myself getting this all done has encouraged me to continue with this momentum everyday!

Happy and Excited....

Parting Ways with Facebook

You know that your addicted to Facebook when:
1. You have a 10 page research paper that is worth half your grade due tomorrow and you find yourself getting distracted by facebook every 5 mins.
2. When talking with your friends someone says a random comment and you all exclaim "facebook quote!"
3. After meeting someone new, you ask if they have a facebook.
4. You check your facebook as soon as you wake up, and right before you go to bed, including the 10 times you check it during the day.
5. You feel like you are missing out on...

As I have mentioned in a previous posting, I have become addicted to facebook...

This addiction to consistently know what is going on in the lives of others and them to know my life has gotten out of control. After a long discussion with BF last night, I realized that the only way to release this addiction is to deactivate my profile. When Facebook affects your relationship, it is time to re-evaluate your priorities!

See this has been an ongoing struggle in my relationship with BF and has been the cause of more than one fight. He feels that I spend any free time on facebook that should be spent with him and he is right. When I am with him and he is doing/watching something that doesn't interest me, I automatically turn to my phone and go on Facebook. Now it has been causing an even larger fight because I feel that if we are in a relationship then his profile should reflect it. Now, I know that the hacker changed his status to widowed but I think that it should be changed back to in a relationship with me. Plus, when we broke up he changed his info to looking for women and dating and this upsets me that it hasn't been changed either. He tells me that it is not a big deal cause he is rarely on facebook and that we know we are together. Well, let me tell you, it does not make me happy at all! If you are with me then you should be proud and want others to know and if facebook doesn't mean anything to you then what is the big deal to change it back!

Ok so now that I am done ranting...I have decided that for the best of my relationship I deactivate my Facebook. I did need to set up a profile so that I can continue to run my fan page for my business but that will be strictly for business only. I know that I will go through my withdraws but hopefully my relationship will improve instead of disintegrate!

Twinge of Jealousy

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead; sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it is only with yourself"

To say that I am Facebook obsessed is truly an understatment because I can't go more than an hour without checking it. I love to see all the updates of what is going on in my friends lives and the ones that I can't be near I am glad I say a few nice things too...

Well that being said, I have been finding myself becoming "friends" with many people I went to high school with lately and while it is great to see and talk to some old friends and acquaintances it comes with a small price. It seems like the females are all married or getting married. Each of them have their profile picture of them in their wedding dresses and as I see each of them so happy it kinda tugs at my heart just a bit.

Yes, I have been married and divorced before I even reached the age of 25 but it wasn't the wedding I had always dreamed of. Here is my story: I had gotten pregnant at 18 and as much as I cared for my then-boyfriend, I was no where ready to marry but we did cause it was the "right" thing to do. We had 2 kids and were absolutely miserable the entire time. We always fought and I finally had enough and left.

I know that most little girls have their weddings all planned out and I am no exception. My friends laugh that I have the wedding planned out and I don't even need the guy. Being a Fashion Designer who wants to one day design only wedding dresses (yes the next Vera Wang!), I have had "the Dress" designed for over 10 years but it has been altered over the years. Of course I have my dream location which I doubt would EVER happen but I would love for it to be Italy. I love the beauty of the county, from the vineyards to the architecture. Anywhere in the country would be lovely. ahh...a girl can dream!

So after seeing all these girls having their special weddings, it truly makes a me a tad jealous that I don't know if I had my chance and its gone. Where I am in my relationship right now is no where near an engagement or marriage so I know not to count on that happening with BF. I am trying to live each day one and at a time but I don't know if I can ever stop wanting to have my special day...

Luckiest Girl Ever

“Love is like an earthquake-unpredictable, a little scary, but when the hard part is over you realize how lucky you truly are.”

I know in the past few weeks I have had my doubts about my boyfriend and our relationship but recently things have been shifting for the good or should I say great! I feel this ease about my relationship that makes me smile in an instant when I just sit and think about it. Sometimes I sit here and wonder if I ever truly knew what love was or is because each day I am with my boyfriend I feel like I fall more in love with him.

Yesterday, I wrote about my date night but I left the most amazing part of my weekend to tonight's blog post....
After spending the entire weekend with BF and Lil One, I was getting our things together to leave. As I was doing this, BF took Lil One out to see the Moo Cows (yes he lives on a farm but not a farmer!). This was a first for him to take her out without me and I was very pleased with his offer. So as I packed the car, I looked around and didn't see them at the normal spot in front of the gate. When I was finished, I started to walk down the road that leads to the far fields and around the bend was BF and Lil One walking hand in hand and BF was pointing to the baby calves that were just born. It instantly brought tears to my eyes and has each time I have told this story in the past 2 days. The tears are of pure joy because I never thought I would see the day that my bachelor, never had experience with kids BF would connect with my Lil One also known as Lil Terror (thanks to one to many temper tantrums!)

That was 2 of the most important people in my life sharing a moment together. That to me is love and I hope that I can expierence this feeling over and over again because today I am the luckiest girl in the world to have caring friends and family and a loving Boyfriend!

Date Night is Essential

In between goals is a thing called life that has to be lived and enjoyed-Sid Caesar

Everyone needs to have fun in this life and having fun makes a woman more confident in herself. Now when I say Date Night, I am not talking about just going out with another person but to expand on this idea of dating! If your taken, then go on dates with your significant other and have FUN! Get out of your comfort zone and go bowling, to a carnival and play games, to karaoke night or something that gets you active! If you are a single girl then find that guy you never thought you would go out on a date with and have FUN! You can go on the same kind of dates as a taken girl and laugh with the new guy!

Now my idea of expanding on Date Night.... Date Yourself!
Set up a time every week or every two weeks and go out and have some me time. This will get you out of your normal pace of life and you may find something new about yourself and what you like. Take an art class, take yourself to the movies, go out to dinner, even a solo walk around a part would do you good! Seeing being comfortable with yourself is essential to being a confident modern woman. Cause if you aren't comfortable in your own skin then you will not be comfortable being who you are in front of anyone else. Take a little risk and have fun!

See I have learned to appreciate my Date Nights much more since having Danyella (my lil one). My boyfriend and I don't get much privacy to even talk when she is around (I have my own walking parrot) so we have decided that once a week we will have a Date Night. This is one night where it is just us being adults and having fun! Last night we went to dinner and saw Hot Tub Time Machine (laughed my tushy off the entire time!) and this week we are planning a special dinner for us. I have many ideas for when the weather gets nicer too!

Now my Solo Date Nights don't happen as often as I would like but even so I do LOVE them! Last week, I went out to dinner with some friends which was nice to do without keeping watch over Lil One and this weekend is a girl's night naughty toy party (my first one and I am quite nervous!). I can tell you that I have a Solo Date Night planned for the opening weekend of Sex and the City 2 because I LOVE LOVE LOVE them! I know that no one would be able to appreciate watching the movie like I would so it is a night that is great for me time!

Just remember that life is about having fun and in order to be confident a woman needs to learn to smile and laugh with herself and others!

Hit by a Hacker

Everyone hears about the hacker or the virus on the computers but no one thinks it will happen to them...

Well this hacker didn't hack my account but it did affect me. My boyfriend's (yes not just kinda boyfriend now!) facebook account was hacked into last night and the hacker changed some of his settings and then chatted with me for about 4 hours! When I first saw that his relationship status changed, I knew something was up because BF knows that I would be upset (ok that is putting it mildly) if we weren't linked as a couple. So when I saw his profile pop up on chat I of course chatted him. At first I was nasty as I could be (yes I am a female so I can be a bitch!) and the hacker kept deleting me from the friend's list. What a idiot cause after a few minutes then he would friend request me again. While this was all going on, I was on the phone with BF's best friend trying to get the hacker out of the account. So I kept talking to the creeper....

After a while the guy got VERY perverted and when I wouldn't respond he got nasty by calling me all kinds of names and stuff. Well I found out that this person is someone local to us because he kept talking about New Hope (a local hot spot). The night finally ended with me telling him where to go and how to get there. BF's best friend was able to fix it this morning and all is well now except I am still a little shaken up by this! I think it scares me more that he is someone local and could be a stalker type person. After the things that were said to me, it makes me want to watch my back or at least not sleep alone at night.

I am just glad today that it is all fixed and I hope this guy can stay away!

Something's Gotta Give

I have been evaluating what makes me happy and what doesn't make me happy this week....

The realization that I am miserable in my job has been a huge reality check for me. I know that many people don't work to be happy but to make money. I am not that type of person! If I am not happy where I spend the most of my time and energy than something's gotta give...

So I am starting the job hunt again! The job I have right now is cashier at a local grocery store. Nothing exciting but I loved my co-workers and customers. Now my co-workers are just as miserable as I am and the customers are just down right nasty to us because of the rising prices and unemployment rates. I would love to find a job where I can work a couple of days a week and then spend the rest of the time concentrating on my business. Without a doubt, I know that my business could be so much more successful if I had more time to devote to it.

So my game plan is to find a new job by the end of the month. One that will require less stress from the employers and give me more time for my business! Wish me luck :)

Happiness within Myself

"Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response."
-- Mildred Barthel

How can I expect someone else to be happy with me when I am rarely happy with myself? This is a question I posed to myself after talking to a co-worker today about his upcoming divorce. Like the end of all relationships, one of the partners begs the other for yet another chance to work things out (trust me I have been on that side of it many times!) but if one person is unhappy with themselves then the partnership will never work as a whole.

As I was saying this to my co-worker, I realized that it holds true to my own relationship with my boyfriend. As much as I love him, I can't expect him to love me back the same way when I don't love myself or treat myself with the respect I demand from him. And really why should he? In order to be confident, I would need to be happy with myself and I don't just mean physically! This applies to everything....body, mind, soul, morals etc!

I know that in order to be happy with myself I need to change my attitude and the way I think about myself. I am a beautiful girl with so much potential. I have many gifts and skills that create amazing things. Some day I am truly amazed at things I have made with my own 2 hands but most days I just abuse my hands by overworking them. I know that I care about the people in my life and have a hard time telling them no when they ask for something but maybe its time for a change!

So I am compiling a list of things I need or want to do with my life that could make me a little happier...
1. travel-I want to see the world and the beautify that I have seen in pictures in real life
2. make my business a success
3.take salsa lessons
4.turn all negatives (thoughts) into a positive!

Rather be Wrong

I would rather be wrong if it means I can love someone to much instead of being right not loving them enough!

Well my Easter was pretty nice...
Danyella and I went to church and she had her first egg hunt of the day. It was cute because she really did not know what she was doing but once she did it was smooth sailing. Then we went to my parents for lunch and another egg hunt. I love that at 28, I still get a Easter basket from my mom! Next we came home and had a nice Easter dinner with my landlord and her family. Danyella had her last egg hunt and was loving playing with the kids. I love to see her run around and smiling!

My night was supposed to end with us going to Kinda Boyfriend's house. Well we went but didn't stay because he didn't feel good (which was later told to me). I was more than disappointed about only getting to drop off the Easter presents and leave. I guess my disappointment was not well hidden cause when I talked to him later he called me out on my attitude. He says that every Sunday I start a fight with him and I realized that every Sunday I expect something from him and I end up disappointed. So now I am at a point that I need to make the decision of do I
1. Continue to live with the every Sunday disappointment
2. Find a way to get past the Sunday disappointment and not expect anything from him
3. Start over with someone new and hope that I don't have the disappointment again

After I dropped the gifts off, I came home and got quite drunk. I talked to him a bit but the conversation went no where because he doesn't understand (or that is how it seems to me) my disappointment and how I want to spend any moment I can with him. So I texted him If its wrong to want to spend every moment I can with the man I love then I never want to be right!

I know I love him with all my heart but only time will tell what will happen with us. I would spend the rest of my life with him but I don't think he will ever get to that point....

Getting My Anxiety Under Control

"Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”

Until recently, I never realized how much my anxiety has taken over my life but it has found the depths of my mind and is effecting my body. Over the past few days, I was having 3-4 anxiety (panic) attacks a day which includes waking up in the middle of the night with one. The nighttime episodes are the scariest because I can feel it but it is hard to snap out of the dream state and start breathing again.

I know that the attacks are caused by some overwhelming stress in my life that I am in desperate need of controlling. Just this week alone, my job has become worse and I just want to quit and start somewhere new. Alas, I cannot quit without having another job lined up or having my biz take off and I can just work from home which sucks! Then you all know what has been going on with my boyfriend situation which I am happy to say we are attempting to work things out and he is feeling much better! Lastly, having a sick toddler is never easy but just adds some pressure when you are a single mom who just wants a bit of sleep and can't just drop and sleep when I feel like it....

So when I talked to the doctor the other day, he agreed that I need something to help with the attacks because they are not healthy for my mind or body. So he prescribed me a medication to take which after 2 days is seeming to start to help. I slept over KB (kinda boyfriend)'s house last night and actually slept through the night without a single attack and haven't had a single one today!

So to keep with my positive thinking... Everyday is a challenge and sometimes these days can be grouped together but I can make it through any problems that are thrown my way with a smile on my face and love in my heart!

Good Little Girlfriend

When I care about someone there is nothing I wouldn't do for them... no matter how much they have hurt me.

My kinda boyfriend (that is his nickname in my personal life) became sick over the weekend after my lil one (who is sick) and I spent the night. He has only gotten worse day by day. Yesterday he had a high fever and medicine wasn't working so he went to the doctor's office today. Well to help him feel better I have been trying to bring him food and small surprises even though he says he is fine and doesn't need anything (typical guy!). My heart broke when I saw him as pale as I am (which I have a completely natural porcelain look!).

Bringing him surprises made me happy to see a small smile on his face! You all read about my surprise yesterday and today I made him a gag gift for April Fools Day... A crocheted condom (not to be used as a prevention of pregnancy or STDs!!). When I dropped food off today he was at the doctor's office so I haven't gotten to give him the gift but I have a surprise planned for the next few days until he feels better because that is the kinda girl I am when I love someone...

**Honey I hope you feel better soon...I love you :)