My Heart Wants....

"The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that." (Woody Allen)

What my heart wants and head is telling me is 2 different things....

My head is telling me that spending time with Weston is going to be bad for my life because I have had trust and jealousy issues with him. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak all over again because I don't know how to be friends with someone that I am still in love with. Even as a friend, how do you forgive someone who betrayed you and shattered your heart into a million pieces? I am reminded of the big plans I want for my life like moving to New York and doing something big with my life. I may be 29 but I have huge plans still for my life. Plans where Weston doesn't fit in, friend or lover.

My heart tells a different story. A story of a love so large that it encompasses your thoughts throughout the day and is felt with every reminder of him. I will never deny the love that I have felt for Weston throughout the past year and half and the happiness that has been in my life just with talking to him the past few weeks. As much as we have had our problems and bad times, our good times were GREAT! There is obviously something undeniable between us because as much as we have attempted to stay apart we always find our way back to each other.

I want him in my life but when he finds a new love, I know that my heart will be broken all over again. So now I must decided whether it will be worth just having him in my life and appreciate just having him in my life or say good bye once and for all? It is going to be a long journey ahead of me....

Trying to Let Go

"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you."

I never really understood the pain of letting go of someone you love until recently. My relationship with "Weston" (that is going to be my code name for him) was a tumultuous one with many highs and lows but ended on a down note. It ended with my leaving him because neither one of us could handle our consistent fighting. The funny thing about it is our fighting was over the big picture of wanting 2 different things in our relationship.

Weston wanted freedom, living his life with no rules, no one to answer to even if it meant lying to the one who cared about him the most. Where as, I loved him with all my heart and looked for a future for the both of us. I longed for the day that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and the marriage and children with him. I would get glimpses of him as I wanted him but ultimately he couldn't handle the long term relationship I desired.

Since the day I left in September... September 13th to be exact.... we have been in and out of our lives but not in a good way. We fought over things that was no longer our business like who we were with or going. I realized that I needed time away from him, from us to get my head back on straight. No matter what I have tried to do, Weston has stayed on my mind and in my thoughts everyday.

A week ago I was on Facebook and saw him comment to a mutual friend about the trial and error method of finding love hurts like hell. Well that was it... all I could think about was him. It gets "better".... he then contacts me that evening and we talked for a bit. I went to see him the other day and it was like nothing ever happened between us. I can't deny that it felt good to be with him again but I know that we are still on different pages of our lives. It just hurts to love someone so much and having to walk away again.