My Heart Wants....

"The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that." (Woody Allen)

What my heart wants and head is telling me is 2 different things....

My head is telling me that spending time with Weston is going to be bad for my life because I have had trust and jealousy issues with him. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak all over again because I don't know how to be friends with someone that I am still in love with. Even as a friend, how do you forgive someone who betrayed you and shattered your heart into a million pieces? I am reminded of the big plans I want for my life like moving to New York and doing something big with my life. I may be 29 but I have huge plans still for my life. Plans where Weston doesn't fit in, friend or lover.

My heart tells a different story. A story of a love so large that it encompasses your thoughts throughout the day and is felt with every reminder of him. I will never deny the love that I have felt for Weston throughout the past year and half and the happiness that has been in my life just with talking to him the past few weeks. As much as we have had our problems and bad times, our good times were GREAT! There is obviously something undeniable between us because as much as we have attempted to stay apart we always find our way back to each other.

I want him in my life but when he finds a new love, I know that my heart will be broken all over again. So now I must decided whether it will be worth just having him in my life and appreciate just having him in my life or say good bye once and for all? It is going to be a long journey ahead of me....

Trying to Let Go

"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you."

I never really understood the pain of letting go of someone you love until recently. My relationship with "Weston" (that is going to be my code name for him) was a tumultuous one with many highs and lows but ended on a down note. It ended with my leaving him because neither one of us could handle our consistent fighting. The funny thing about it is our fighting was over the big picture of wanting 2 different things in our relationship.

Weston wanted freedom, living his life with no rules, no one to answer to even if it meant lying to the one who cared about him the most. Where as, I loved him with all my heart and looked for a future for the both of us. I longed for the day that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and the marriage and children with him. I would get glimpses of him as I wanted him but ultimately he couldn't handle the long term relationship I desired.

Since the day I left in September... September 13th to be exact.... we have been in and out of our lives but not in a good way. We fought over things that was no longer our business like who we were with or going. I realized that I needed time away from him, from us to get my head back on straight. No matter what I have tried to do, Weston has stayed on my mind and in my thoughts everyday.

A week ago I was on Facebook and saw him comment to a mutual friend about the trial and error method of finding love hurts like hell. Well that was it... all I could think about was him. It gets "better".... he then contacts me that evening and we talked for a bit. I went to see him the other day and it was like nothing ever happened between us. I can't deny that it felt good to be with him again but I know that we are still on different pages of our lives. It just hurts to love someone so much and having to walk away again.

New Year... New Start

One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.
~Sidney Howard

Out with 2010 and in with 2011!!! This is all I can say... ok not really but a great way to start this blog post out. I can say that I am happy to be done with 2010 and all the trials, tribulations, drama and heartache that came with it.

For 2011 my biggest goal is to find myself and make myself happy! I am tired of living my life for everyone else and satisfy them... it is time for me to be happy with my life once and for all! The first half of the year is going to be a time to repay old debts and start my new life with a clean slate. There have been people very special to me that have helped me along my difficult journey and I want to give them something that will make them happy or to live life a little easier.

Of course I have my business and the big goals that go along with that. I want to take my business to the next level and have the professional feel with it. No more amateur crafter for me! I am a designer and show the world my creativity.

I am planning a move by the end of 2011... I am going to New York City! I have always been a city girl living in a country setting and part of my happiness is my surroundings. I want to live in the hussle and bussle of the city that I love so much so this is the year I do it!!

I will continue to blog about my successes and trials that I encounter in the next year and show you a woman who lost it all to a woman who will have it all!

Lost in this World

How does one ever feel like they fit into this huge world filled with people of such variety? I know that my title is the Confident Modern Woman but at the moment I feel as far as confident as one can be. My negativity has consumed my body, my mind and my soul and now is the time for me to change all of that into positivity. I know that we cannot control circumstances that happen around us or to us but when we fall we must pick ourselves up and begin to walk again.

The past year and half has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, twists and turns and feels like it is continuing to plummet downward until I can stop it in its tracks. In the past year, I have lost the love of my life, quit my job, moved back into my mother's house and have started college as an adult. Now it is time for me to find my place in this world!

For so long I thought that I wanted to be a fashion designer because I was to short to be a model and had a scar on my leg so I couldn't be an actress. Honestly, I love acting and being in front of people talking. Yes, like anyone I get jitters about being in front of people but then something takes over me and I love what I am doing at that moment. So only a handful of people know this but now I am announcing it to the world.... I am going to major in acting and pursue an acting career.

I do understand that I have a natural talent at design so as I pursue my major and new career, I will continue to support myself thru my art. I love my art but I am not in love with it. It is time that I fall in love with my life again... fall in love with me!

Back on Track

"When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. "- Deepak Chopra

So as you all have seen or not seen, I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I have been far from confident. They say that when it rains, it pours...well that has been my life lately! The biggest struggle of them all is my relationship with my boyfriend who will now be referred to as Pink Pants (my daughter refers to his albums by a guy in pink pants on the cover of one!). As you have read in my previous blogs, my relationship with Pink Pants has been one of great struggle and many tears.

I read the quote above and realized that I do concentrate on many of the flaws of our relationship instead of the great things between us. I have this "plan" of the way I want my relationship to be and when it doesn't conform to that, lets just say its not pretty and Pink Pants will tell you that.

Insecurity.... This is the biggest struggle within myself and it has been reflected in my relationship to a point where it has pushed Pink Pants away at times. To others, I can carry a certain confidence and some even say arrogance (my nickname is Princess) but when I am with him all of that goes out the door. I want someone who wants to give me attention. That asks how my day is going or just calls to say hi and hear my voice. See he can go days without talking to me and I struggle with that immensely. I tend to wonder how much I can matter to him if he doesn't care to see how I am doing. Now, I know that alot of that is my anxiety and insecurity that I need to work on within myself.

Jealousy... The big "Green Eyed Monster"! Everyone has had a struggle with jealousy at some point in their life but this one is a consistent struggle in my life. In the past I have been cheated on and now I trust very few people. So I did go into my relationship with Pink Pants, having very little trust and his close relationship with some females made me feeling like the past was going to be repeated. In the beginning, he gave me no real reason to feel this way until I started catching him in lies which he told to avoid my jealous "rages". Jealousy and Insecurity go hand in hand and something that I am working on everyday.

So now that I have aired my "bad" side, I am still on the fence on whether I should continue this relationship or let Pink Pants go. I know that we care about each more than words can tell but I also know that my frustration has hit an all time high. I am not asking to be treated like a Princess but communication is essential to a relationship. So I am going to try and concentrate on the good points in our relationship and give it sometime to develop....

Lemons into Lemonade

"When Life Gives you Lemons Make Lemonade!"

Well that quote should give you a hint into what has been going on in my life...alot of lemons! I am slowly trying to make the lemons into lemonade but one thing I am learning is that I can only take things one step at a time because I can't change the past and can't control the future!

In one week alone...
I have no running car so I am walking everyone or relying others for rides
I got into a fight with my boyfriend and almost lost him
Got some news from the doctor that is not great
Lost my charger for my Laptop
Miserable in my Job
I could keep going on and on but....

I am staying positive with my affrimations and focusing on what I can do not what I can't do!

In this week I have learned that...
People are willing to help someone in need
That I love my boyfriend and need to learn not to take out my frustrations on him
Medicine and knowledge will help me thru this
My boyfriend lent me his laptop so I can continue business things
That each day I am at work I am one day closer to making my business my life

So for every negative there is a positive! Just stay focused on today :)

Out with the Old

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
~Albert Einstein

Clutter has take over my life! It is as simple as that and now is the time for me to take control of this clutter that has taken over my life...

So some people in my life say that I am borderline hoarder because I save everything. I have this idea in my mind that I could end up needing to use, one day going to read or will wear something and just can't give it up EVER! Yes this is a huge problem that I have been slowly working on but as one thing goes away two new thing take its place. So my goal is for the next week I will take a half hour each day and devote it to Clutter Time. Clutter Time will be me re-organizing and de-cluttering my area and life! Each day I will update you on my progress at the end of my blog post. So wish me luck!!